


Zeus Hates Lions

by AdoraIunonem



Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: F/M, Hera gets a new pet, Zeus is jealous of a said pet, Zeus is kind of a himbo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdoraIunonem/pseuds/AdoraIunonem
Summary: Here is why Zeus hates lions.
Relationships: Hera/Zeus
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	Zeus Hates Lions

It was no secret that Zeus hated lions. There weren’t enough words in the world to describe how irritated Zeus got whenever he saw a lion. To see that growling beast with its gnashing teeth roar and growl at anyone that came close, it made his eye twitch and fists clench at his side. Despite all this, lions were roaming around his home, Olympus. And a lion was living in his chamber, _his chamber_ , because his wife just loved them. 

The lion was one of Hera’s sacred animals. Actually, Zeus’s dislike of lions was not because he genuinely hated lions, but because it stemmed from his marital troubles. 

Zeus had found yet another mistress, a supermodel from Milan. And of course, word got out eventually and reached Hera. Usually, Hera would cool off by hanging around her peacocks in her garden. All Zeus had to do was wait a day or two and his wife was calm enough not to castrate him if he came within six feet. However, Hera’s garden was swarmed with peacocks (she got a new one every time she was upset with him), and now there were so many that the peacocks were eating the flowers. After assessing the damage to Hera’s beloved garden, Demeter advised her sister to not get anymore peafowl. Most people would just find a new hobby, but of course, Hera still wanted a pet. So she got a lion. 

In another lifetime, Zeus could have been fond of lions. He would have appreciated how ferocious they were, but now that ferocity was directed towards _him_. Whenever he tried approaching his wife to beg for reconciliation, there that beast was on his wife’s lap, licking its paws then looking up to roar and flash its gleaming teeth. And when Zeus slinked away pathetically out the door, he could hear Hera’s affectionate voice say “good boy,” and that stupid feline would purr back. 

It had been a whole week since Hera got that lion. For that whole week, Zeus had to sleep in the guest room while that despicable lion was sleeping by his wife’s side. He tried talking to her, but she was guarded by her new pet. She must have given it specific instructions not to let Zeus near her, because everyone else seemed to love the new addition to the family. He had an argument with Hebe about why the lion was a menace, but his daughter always spoke of the animal’s adorable behavior. Such as, how it rolled over to let her rub its belly, or purred when she scratched its mane. 

For the seventh time, Zeus was chased out his own bedroom by that animal. He huffed and panted when he ran out, then heard the familiar “good boy Jason, you’re such a good boy” in Hera’s baby-talk. He gritted his teeth. That should be _him_ lounging on his bed, sprawled on his wife’s lap with her fingers caressing his long hair. _He_ should be the one standing by her side as a security guard to growl at any unwanted suitors. _He_ should be the one watching 2000s rom-coms with her on the couch, laughing at the idiocy of mortals. _He_ should be nuzzling his head into her soft neck as she talked about the delights of her day, or how annoying everyone else was. Even her plots of vengeance, down to the way she described the exquisite taste of wine made from her enemies' tears, were hymns to him. If only he could tell her that, and if that loathsome monster would let him. 

He was furious. He was jealous of a lion! A lowly animal! A beast! 

He was at a loss. He didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t the first time she got a lion, but all those other times, they were just little cubs. Sure, they could try to fend him off, but their attention spans were so short they would just jump off her lap and go play with their zebra carcass. This time, he had the sinking paranoia that she got a full-grown, adult lion _just_ so it could threaten him. It was humiliating! 

Zeus was so frustrated that he didn’t pay attention to where he was going. Finally, he came to a halt when he recognized the setting. He wasn’t inside the palace anymore, but inside his wife’s garden. A stone path led to beds of purple crocus, bunches of blue hyacinths bespangled by dew drops, and a row of pink dianthuses slithering among marble fountains. Rose bushes bordered the path, each thorn neatly trimmed off. He sighed and went down the path, admiring the flowers that he saw. A flock of peacocks cooed and trotted around him, only to jump out the way when they saw he wasn’t waiting for them to cross. Obviously, Hera was careful to let each peacock pass before continuing her walk. 

He sat down on a bench to pout. Usually, he would be back in her good graces by now. And how long was she planning on keeping that animal? Good Gaia, was the chamber its permanent home now?! He couldn’t go to sleep knowing its black eyes were staring at him. What if-- 

Zeus gasped out loud at the thought. How was he to enjoy his conjugal right with that animal in the room, watching them?!

No, no, no. This will not do. He had to find a way to get rid of that beast. It was getting in the way of his marriage! 

He shot straight up, startling some of the peacocks that dared venture towards the stranger in their home. Zeus got up and started walking down the path to trace back his steps to the palace. His saunter was so fast that he almost tripped over a peacock. “SQUAWK!” Zeus sighed when the peacock hopped back up to its feet after Zeus’s sandal hit its side. 

“Sorry, buddy. Don’t tell my wife I just kicked you in the chest.” Zeus tried to pet its head with his palm facing down, but its beak flashed instantly and nipped his skin. “Ow! Tartarus,” he muttered. The bird squawked back in his face and went back to whatever it was doing. Hera must have instructed every one of her pets to hate him. Speaking of whatever the peacock was doing, Zeus squinted at a flock near the lobelia beds. They were... they were tearing out the flowers! What was maddening, though, was how they just tore the petals off without _eating_ them! 

Zeus trembled in anger. “YOU STUPID BIRDS AREN’T EVEN EATING THE FLOWERS?! YOU COST ME MY WIFE FOR A WEEK!” The peacocks momentarily looked up with their beady eyes, then squawked, and went back to destroying the flower bed out of fun. 

Dumb animals. He’d had enough of dumb animals today. 

1111111

Zeus tiptoed to the bedchamber, carrying his sack of meat. Out of all the ideas he had, this one seemed to be the most promising. His first plan, approaching Hera then running away whenever the animal roared, had failed many times. He could always blast the animal to a char with a lightning bolt, but Hera would be heartbroken, so that option was only to be used if all else fails. 

His second plan was to get a hyena. He had searched on his iPhone “what do lions hate” and “what will make lions go away,” but nothing very useful came up. He did find, however, that lions and hyenas were natural enemies. Zeus asked Hermes to find a hyena, somewhere, anywhere, which Hermes replied with knowing a guy perfect for the job. The next day, Hermes found Zeus after lunch and plopped a muzzled hyena in his arms. Well, the hyena turned out to be useless. When Zeus released the canine at the door of the chamber, it immediately took off and ran away! He was about to chase after it, then he realized how ridiculous it was for the king of all gods to be chased by an animal, and now chase _after_ an animal. 

This was his third and hopefully last idea. He had grabbed from the kitchen a whole pork loin, which was a shame because he loved ribeye, and this piece of meat was to be given to a measly _pet_. If he couldn’t get rid of the lion, the least he could do was try to befriend it. 

It was 2 in the morning, so his wife and her new pet were definitely sleeping. He pushed open the magnificent door to his bedroom. There he saw his queen sleeping peacefully on the golden silk sheets. The canopy was draped with rose pink chiffon, and she laid there in her white lace gown. At her feet slept the lion, snoring just like how Zeus would if he were allowed to slumber beside her as he often did. He scowled at the sight of an animal replacing him as her companion, but controlled his anger. 

“Psst...” What was that animal’s name again? “Psst.... Jerry--I mean, Jason,” he whispered. The lion peeked a single eye open. When it saw who it was, an involuntary growl crept out its throat. “Shh!” Zeus flipped the sack over to let the meat fall down, conveniently landing straight into the lion’s jaws. It chomped noisily, but when it was done, it didn’t bother attacking him. It just rested its head against its paws and tried to go back to sleep. 

Zeus hoped that the lion would remember this the next day and turned around to creep back to the guest room. “Zeus?” He was almost at the door. “What are you doing?” He spun around, guilty with the empty sack in his left hand. Hera was sitting up now, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. Now that its owner was awake, Jason was purring. 

“Uhhh.” He hid the sack behind his back and hoped she wouldn’t ask about it. 

“What’s that in your hand?” 

“Uhhhhh.” Tartarus. Think of something smart, quick. “Nothing, dear.” He tried to smile innocently. 

Hera squinted. “I can clearly see something is in your hand, so I know that it isn’t ‘nothing.’” 

He sighed and lifted up the sack for her to see. “It’s a sack.” 

“Of what?” 

“It’s empty.” 

“What in Heavens are you doing in our room with an empty s--” Hera paused when she noticed Jason wasn’t growling. “He’s not attacking you.” 

“Hm?” 

“Jason. He’s not doing anything.” Hera leaned over to pet her lion. He smiled and rolled over to let her rub his belly. So, the animal _can_ be friendly, just not with _him_. 

“Hm, wonder what’s up with him. Well, I’ll be off to bed now. Sweet dreams.” Zeus tried to exit out the door as soon as possible. 

“Wait! What did you do? Dear gods, you-- you poisoned Jason!” 

“No! No! It wasn’t that at all!” 

“Then _what exactly_ did you do?” She placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. 

“Ha ha,” he chuckled nervously then sighed. “I just came in here to give him some pork.” 

“Pork?” 

“Pork loin, to be exact.” 

“Why?” 

“...I was hoping that beas-- Jason, would like me a bit more.” 

She squinted even harder. “Why?” 

“Because I haven’t seen you in a week! I’ve been sleeping in the guest room like some pitiful divorcé-- N-NOT saying that divorce is an option, no! Just, every time I try to talk to you, this cat is in the way, and I figured if I got it to like me, then it would stop chasing me away. So I can find a way to talk to you.” 

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. Jason recognized Hera’s stupefied look and pawed at her blanket-covered feet for attention. “I guess that’s kind of sweet,” she grumbled. 

“I’ve tried so many things to get Jason out the way--er, I mean, _distract him temporarily_ so I could get a chance to see you.” 

“Is that why Hermes was carrying a hyena the other day?” 

“Yeah, I thought the hyena would chase Jason around a bit, but the damn rascal took off and now I’m kind of worried there’s a wild hyena loose on Olympus.” 

Hera giggled. “We can ask Artemis to catch it if she has the time.” She patted the spot beside her on the mattress. “I suppose there is some extra room here.” Zeus smirked. He was in the home stretch. He crawled onto the bed beside her and tucked himself into bed. She pulled the covers up over them and snuggled into his body to nuzzle her face under his arm. He kissed her cheek and slid his hand down her side. 

“You know, Hera, if you’re up for it tonight...” Before Zeus could grab her haunch, Jason sank its claws into his shin and roared. “GAHHHH!” He flopped around like a fish to kick him off. 

Hera hummed and grinned. “You’re not completely in my good graces, yet. Good night.” 

When Jason finally let go of his legs, Zeus balled up in the fetal position and grumbled. “Good night, my queen.”

**Author's Note:**

> Apparently peacocks do destroy flowers just for fun.


End file.
